As I sit and reflect upon my life in 2014, a single word came to mind.
It wasn’t just physical rest, though there had been plenty of that. Amid the hectic days of uploading my product information on Qoo10.sg, the insistence in quality control and the attention to detail I paid in preparing each order, and the rush to meet deadlines (yeah, I scored a handful of translation jobs, praise the Lord!), I made time to spend with loved ones (the precious few that I have) and I made time to be alone…to heal.
I might have mentioned it before, but 2013 was not exactly a sterling year for me. I was dealing with a lot of pain from two failed friendships – friendships that I thought would last a lifetime – and I was still trying to come to terms with an illness in a family member. It was hard to remain upbeat and I was tired of trying.
That’s the thing about me. I get tired easily. (Haha…inside joke here…)
It wasn’t long before I got tired of being angry and sad. I was tired of being in pain. I turned to my oldest Friend in the world, and He did…whatever He needed to do for me to get here today.
Met up with a friend whom I haven’t seen in about three years in June, and he asked after me.
Never been better.
That was my reply to him. It came out of my mouth on its own accord, and it felt right the moment I said it. My heart gave a tremor (the good kind), and I gave him a tremendous smile. For someone who’s receiving what could at best be described as a ‘sporadic income’ and surviving mainly on her savings, that seemed like a crazy thing to say. Well, guess it’s true when they say that the best things in life can’t be bought.
I still have problems at work, at home, with people I come into contact with…and old issues still creep up on me now and then. That’s okay. I can live with problems. Been living with them all my life. But can I live happily with them? Can I be at peace with them?
That’s an unknown. I’m in a pretty good head space now, but tomorrow, next week, next year? I care, but I know that I can’t care too much. Nowadays, I just turn to God and tell him to do right by me. Yeah, I know it sounds like I’m commanding Him but it’s okay because He knows me like nobody else does. I can say anything to Him, and I know it won’t be misunderstood or taken negatively. God knows (literally) how often I’ve been misunderstood.
Many people I know cruise through life without really thinking about what makes them happy. You know, the kind of happiness that permeates your bones and fills up your soul. They go through the motions, get a job that they feel indifferent about or hate, get married when it’s ‘time’, have children when it’s ‘time’, retire when it’s ‘time’…I’m not criticising this tried and tested route in life. Who’s to say what makes one happy, after all? But it’s not for me, and it’s not for everyone.
I’m a perfectionist through and through, it seems. I can’t settle for anything. The job may pay me very well, but if my heart is not engaged, my brains are not challenged, and my senses are not stimulated, I’ll walk away (after a while). It may be ‘time’, but if I can’t find someone who’s imperfect but just right for me…if there’s no deep, abiding love involved on both sides, I won’t get married. It may be ‘time’, but if I’m not inclined, I won’t have children.
The consequences of thinking very deeply about life and generally anything in-between? If you take me as an example, I would say that poverty (okay, I exaggerate), a severe lack of true friends, and generally being labelled as ‘difficult’ come with the territory.
Nevertheless, I strongly urge you to reassess your life and start thinking for yourself instead of just accepting what society dictates for you. If you dare to confront your fears and push yourself out of your comfort zone, you may just find yourself saying those three words that I said to my friend in June.
Better yet, you may jolly well mean them.