Today is a cold, dreary day. I love this kind of weather when I can huddle under my thick, fluffy blanket with a book (it’s Kindle or my phone these days). Hate it when I have to sit in front of the computer with cold toes and questions that chase their tails around in circles in my mind.

Many days, I wonder why we turn out the way we do. At home and in school, we’re taught not to lie, cheat, steal, act violently/dishonourably…Nobody is perfect, so we all end up doing some variations of those deeds. Then, we’re taught that it’s all right to make mistakes, but we should admit to our wrongdoings, make amends if possible, and learn from them. We’re also taught to care and share, not to spread despair.

But if there’s one thing that human beings excel in without even trying? It’s inflicting pain.

I’m not naïve; I know the world is most often not a kind one. But it still makes me mad to hear about bad things happening in this place that we’re living in because of conscious action undertaken by fellow inhabitants. Mad that even with fighters against injustice and the evil out there, we’re always taking a step forward and then three steps back. Or so it seems. Mad that people allow fear to govern their hearts and that fear often triumphs over goodness and justice. Mad that I’m mad at them because I do understand the instinct for survival. It’s at this point in understanding that I also become incredibly sad.

I can’t force my wishes or my thoughts on what’s right and wrong on others. I can’t make them speak up if they refuse to do so. I can’t erase the fear in their hearts. I don’t even understand why certain things happen; why bad things seem to strike seemingly good people and the unkind and the evil ones prosper. I don’t understand and the rage in my heart burns ever brighter as I brood over the injustice of it all.

So I turn over the problems to my Friend Above. I turn to Him and tell Him that I know I can’t solve the problems, but I know He can. One of my friends asked me, ‘Why do you trust in something that you can’t see, and not in the people around you?’ I can’t answer that, except to say that it’s faith.

I can’t tell you why I still believe that God exists despite the bad things that happen in the world, and the bad things that happened to me. I can’t give you a reason why God allows those things to happen. God doesn’t need me to defend Him; He just requires me to love Him, even when my faith in Him wavers. There are no answers to so many questions we ask ourselves, we ask to Him, and yet He wants us to love Him and to follow Him. God is sure asking for a lot from us.

I don’t have the answers to so many things, and I have too many doubts about myself and Humanity. The logical side of me detests that. That side demands a motive, a reason, an intent behind words and deeds. It craves explanations, as if that would offer control for the next outcome. Human beings are big on control, and maybe that’s why we stumble so much and so often.

No answers → Rage + Cynicism + Desensitivity to Pain

I totally agree for I’ve been there. It’s just that I don’t want to be there anymore; it’s tiring and the answers still don’t materialise.

One day, after the movie Noah, I decided to find out more about the greatest story ever written, and picked up the Bible. It still doesn’t give me answers, but it gives me peace. There was no great tragedy that pushed me towards my belief in Him, no revelation, no Godly manifestation, no miracles except the daily ones we take for granted. Nothing but the peace that settles in my heart when I talk to Him and read His Word, and the realisation that He has always been and will always be with me.

Do I doubt Him sometimes? Of course.

Does He still love me despite that? Of course.

I can’t tell you how I know that. I just do. I’m also unsure if that faith will hold up under severe stress and extreme situations. I don’t worry about that; I leave it to Him.

Am I still going to continue to question everything? Probably always.

Would I still get mad at the world when bad things happen? Would I grumble to the Lord when He allows these things to happen? I’ll most likely never stop, but I know letting anger and hatred root in my heart is not the way He wants me to go. Neither do I want to go there.

Am I going to want to right the wrongs I see? Yes, but I know that it’s sometimes not up to me. I’m still going to try, one letter, one word, one deed at a time.

I know I’m sheltered, and foolish, and powerless, but I refuse to lose hope. Perhaps it’s God’s Will, but looking back on my past, I’ve come to the conclusion that I made a conscious decision and effort to make the choices that I’ve made. I’ve stumbled many times to get to where I am today, but I think it’s where He wants me to be. It’s where He’s guided me.