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I woke up at around 04:20 hours today, with heart still in a turmoil over yesterday’s wedding. It wasn’t the wedding that has me all upset, but the presence of a certain somebody. I started writing on my phone, using my stylus. No fumbling in the dark for pen and paper, thank goodness. Here it goes, unedited in all its glory.

I wish…

How many times have I thought this, only to stop? Not because I don’t know what to wish for, but because they are too much to say. God understands, that’s all I know.

The older I get, the more I feel that I don’t know anything. Or…the less certain I am of many things.

Have you ever lived with somebody who is like two persons, and yet the only one you can see is the one whom you face at home? Outside, with others, she is different.

I’m sorry that she has turned out the way she is – selfish, without consideration for others and no thought for the consequences of her actions, and infinitely negative towards her blood family.

At least, that’s how I see her. I feel sorry for her, but I don’t like her. If you’ve seen the way she is at home, and the way she treats the mother who loves her most in the world, you won’t like her too.

There is nothing to forgive, because there isn’t hatred. Not on my part anyway. There is nothing to be angry about, because things happen for a reason…God’s Will. Yes, even ‘bad’ things. I don’t understand, though I seek to. Perhaps I never will. I just know that human wisdom and kindness, and all other emotions and thoughts, are not the same as God’s. Not time, sometimes I think I hear him say.

There is just…nothing to say. I must admit, I’ll be…not at all sad if I never see her again. Not happy…my happiness doesn’t hinge on anything to do with her, or anybody for that matter. Just not sad. Not at all. The same for never hearing anything about her again.

Relatives wonder, I know. I don’t want to say anything bad about anybody anymore. I don’t even know where to start, even if you were to ask me. Cause and effect, beginning and…not the end yet, perhaps…but the outcome thus far.

But, we have choices. When you meet with adversity, doors may be closed for a while…but how you deal with it, that’s your choice. When you come across injustice and oppression, there is a choice…on your perception of things, if not exactly your action or lack of.

There is a choice. We have a choice. And as I write this, God now reminds me that the same applies to me…that I shouldn’t just point fingers/assign blame/demand this of others, etc….and not ask the same of myself.

If the choice is mine, Lord…if it is Your Will, I want to break free. Of the tears, the hurt, the anger, the unwillingness to soften my heart, the pettiness…

The ties? I don’t know, Lord. I’m tired of taking care of things/people, of living up to others’ expectations of a filial daughter.

I am so much more, and perhaps not enough of the ‘filial daughter’ part. I want to soar, I want to leap, without looking back to see who might follow, or who might be waiting. I want to fly, where the end standing is You, waiting to meet me, waiting to embrace me, waiting for my understanding. Sorry, I’m still so foolish in many ways.

And man, Lord, I wouldn’t want to be You, not that I can. Waiting sucks, especially when Your flock keeps getting lost/taking side trips. Again, human versus Godly perceptions.

I’m hungry, Lord.

But I feel a bit better, I think. Writing it out, seeing I should apply ‘choice’ of perception to myself, seeing how You’re always waiting, always being disappointed by us.

Help me, Lord.

My thoughts jump all over the place, as you can see. Without editing, you’ll have a lot of difficulties reading what I write since I tend to leave out a lot of things. Unsaid, unwritten, but they all make perfect sense to me. Bad grammar, scattered thoughts…and you thought writing is easy work for me, huh? What you see in the end is often the result of hours of polishing and refining. Oh, my spelling is often not as good as what people expect of me too.

There is nothing I can do to change anything, it seems. I cannot undo my mother’s (unfounded, I think) guilt towards her eldest daughter. I cannot make her love her less. I cannot force my father to bring this sister to the family court, nor is it right that I even mention this to him. I cannot cure my mother’s illness, nor can I make her accept reality or change her tendency to sweep things under the carpet whenever we bring up anything that she doesn’t want pointing out. I cannot change this sister of mine. Even acknowledging that she is my sister is difficult for me. I cannot change her hostility towards us, nor can I remove her irrational jealousy of us. I can only tolerate her presence in the house…the house that she has played no part in contributing to any of its expenses…ever.

There is too much history between us to really pinpoint when the starting point was, or who were at fault. It no longer matters to me. I try to be civil to her, if I absolutely need to say something to her. Same with DBS. Thus far, what we have gotten are stone-cold silences, or replies loaded with hostility. All I can say is, nobody is perfect and almost everybody has issues. I know mine. I’m working on them. Trying to. She should get help too, I think. I’m not even sure if she is aware that she has issues. As DBS said, her words often indicate that she thinks the problem lies in everybody else, but not her. Never her.

I’m learning to hold my tongue, and it seems that if I cannot vent my anger by lashing out with words, the feelings come out in a torrent. Of tears. I get impatient with myself, but it’s better than speaking words that do nothing but hurt. Truthful words, perhaps. But not accepted, and perhaps never will be. These few weeks, I have been biting back things I want to say, nearly killing myself in the attempt. As it is, I’m still standing. I thank God for reminding me on all those occasions. ‘Do I need to say this?’ ‘Why do I want to?’ comes to mind whenever I open my mouth now. I question my motives and my intent, and if I sense certain…ignoble feelings hidden within them, I shut my trap right there and then, or I filter out the words that contain those feelings and store them in me. I leave them to only me and my best Friend up there to discuss and dissect. I share them with DBS too, mostly.

Wisdom beckons, but I’m still far away. I hope to sit by her doors everyday, because there is so much to learn.